Piecesofmypeace.org

I have been lost before, No faith, Having a little bit, and back to full faith. Does Everyone go through times like this? I don’t like questioning my faith or God but my entire life has been tested, I know He only gives you what you can handle or so I have said for as long as I can remember. My grandmother told me this, I believe anything that she told me. My Grandma my mothers mom, an angel to me I have always thought of her as a mom, if it were not for her and our relationship who knows how I would have turned out. I never had a good relationship with my mom she is a selfish person some call her a Jezabel I am not offeded by that because I believe it, what she put me through as a kid ( not allowing me to be one) is not something I wanted to be as a mom I was the opposite as a mother, proud of it too because I have really good kids( 3 now adults), 1 almost teen and I worry about how he will be as a teen since the courts wont allow him to be with me in my new state.

I know I have been a little all over the place, let’s start at the very beginning for a bit to dive into where I came from.

My Mother and Father Highschool sweethearts in the late 70’s Dad was a wrestler like his brothers, mom didn’t do much except she was boy crazy, 2nd youngest sister of 6 siblings, sorta got away with everything not like the older ones, she was boy crazy smoked both cigarettes and joints newly skinny and pretty she had a 70’s glow up. they ended up getting pregnant and marrying mom was 18 dad 21, nope not with me another girl, born Jan 9th 1981. she only survived for a few days after birth my mom said it was because back then Dr’s didnt enduce as early as they will now the baby girl had a bowl movement in utero and swallowed it causing major damage if she was to survive I may not have been, she would have been in a wheel chair, brain dead basically and blind she had lost alot of oxygen from her brain during birth as well. there was a malpractice case and they after many yrs were awarded a large amount of money. According to my dad during their divorce that happened when I was 2.5 I was to have some of that in a trust for college, nope never saw a dime! Not that it matters but would have been nice to have something to start my life with, or to just have the option to go to college if I chose to.

Here I am, my debut to the disfunctional parents on Friday, May. 20th,1983 at 5:20am must be why I am a morning person. the marriage was fractured before my arrival probably because of what they went through with my sister and her death I do understand how that could mess any one up so I don’t blame them. they still “Tried” for 2 yrs but it didn’t work out , Mom and I moved in with my grandparents during divorce mom in early 20’s worked at hotels cleaning etc I stayed with my Grandparents most days, dad would say he is coming to get me and not show or show up late and drunk, when he did that it caused my grandfather and him to get physical because my grandfather was protective over me like a father should be and he would tell my dad to leave he was not taking me while he was drunk. Grandma would hide me in the bedroom but I remember it I remember the words and the fighting the physical fighting especially when it broke my favorite chair ( wooden strawberry shortcake chair) back then furniture even for kids was sturdy real wood and heavy right over my fathers drunken head! needless to say that made my father stay away. not that that was only reason it was reason or excuse enough for him though, I love and have forgiven my father we have a good relationship now, he acted according to his age grew up in a strict catholic home with 8 siblings mom and dad married till death so as he was “Free” some what of an adult he didn’t want tied down with a toddler. Most of my childhood I didn’t know where my dad was he was into partying, drugs drinking and being selfish. I remember my dad’s family putting together birthday parties for me, if they didn’t I would have never known them and as I became an adult I maintained a relationship with them it made some of my cousins and aunts my very good friends and I love the memories we have shared. Back to Mom for a bit, LIES, she always lied to me as a young girl I always found out and that gave me anger, she started me down a path of any one who lied to me would get the Wrath of Renee I find lying intolerable making me feel that person who is lying to me thinks I am stupid and someone who is worth being lied to.

Mom was one who dropped me off at grandmas so she could go meet men and she would stay days with a man, she married when I was 5 we moved in with him he had 3 kids from a previous marriage they were late teens and lived in fla I met them and one lived with us for a while she was a troubled teen drugs, lying and stealing, my mom and her did not get along, but my mom used her for free babysitting and she used me to go shop lift for her, it was a win win for the both of them. what about me though? well I was used and left all at same time she was caught using me one day for her nail polish shop lifting at a local drug store they called my mom told her and that was it she was back on a plane to fla that was my moms hail mary to get rid of her back to grandma and grandpas I go. Did I ever mention my special ability? ever since I was 6 ( that was when I first realized) I had felt things like Energies other peoples energy I think anyways I usually know when something is off or on I just have feelings and dreams. I had a dream this night that I was going to have a baby brother its what I wanted so I could have a friend for life. Heard a crash on the floor I ran in the bathroom mom was doubled over on the floor in pain, Her husband where was he? well he was an alcoholic a severe one he has not come home from work it was a friday and pay day he cashed his check and spent his check all at the same bar every friday. we went to the hospital and I said “maybe your having my baby brother I just dreamt about it?” “No Renee I am not pregnant” my mother said not really wnating to hear my theory.

Dr. comes in a little while later and discusses her options because well she is pregnant but the baby is in the tubes she is losing the baby the Dr. said, I disagreed but no one will listen to the little girl who after all had a dream and saw it. we went home as mom was told to give it a bit and see what happens, She went to a dr about 1 week later and as my dream told me there it was a baby magically in the womb alive and well I was going to have a brother! no one could believe this miracle, except me I had Faith or I was a just a silly naive girl with a dream. Grandma began to really talk to me about Faith and how God makes those miracles and he probably gives me those dreams as a message, it was his way to speak to me.

I was 6 when my mother told me my first big heartbreaking lie, my dog Sheeba my protector against the boys who bullied me on the bus all the way to the east side and back for kindergarten they were much older and I was the minority in that school, I was bullied alot but they followed me from the bus throwing things at me as I walked home alone my dog waited at the door every day for me, Sheeba was a big St.Bernard and she would drag me around by my hood in the snow and she followed me off leash everywhere she was at that time my guardian and best friend. she seen those boys and growled with distain she knew they were hurting me my mom at this time very pregnant opened the door slightly to let those boys know if they touch me again she was letting my dog out on them sheeba was scary, they never bothered me again! the LIE mom got tired of her husband lying to her about going out for diapers and ice cream and taking 20$ to the bar and coming home stumbling all over the place, he was a nice guy I liked him I had respect for him he never harmed me or never laid a hand on my mom he loved us he just had a problem with drinking and sometimes cocaine, he was not a mean drunk just sloppy and annoying. needless to say mom Divorced him and we had to move my whole life flipped around again but moving back in with Grandma and Grandpa meant we could not take my dog “where will she go?” mom told me she was on a farm I could go see her anytime I wanted. I knew she loved that but I was told when we got our own place again we would get her back, I waited and asked all the time to go see her, I was told it was too far and not a good day but soon. Long story short drug on this lie for few yrs I felt like something was off but I kept the faith that I was going to see my dog again. years go on and well we moved into houses and apts we moved every yr for a while i went to different schools in the surrounding areas never getting my dog back I even stopped asking, that is after all what my mom wanted was for me to just forget because every time I asked I got a mad, yelling, and defensive tone from her about Sheeba, like it was my fault my Dog was moved away from me and I had to be with out her. Till one day Grandma slipped and said sheeba was not alive anymore “NO!” she is mistaken so I called my mom at work and asked for the final time “where is my dog? ” I do not know if I will ever know the actual truth but she told me she ate a wood chuck and got rabies and they had to shoot her, is this another Lie?

Do you think that was my mother’s 1st and only lie to me?! No? me either and I know it was not the last but how many times did she lie to me before I knew better? regardless my Faith tested at 6 and 7 and 8 and 9 even now to this day at 42 I have been tested and struggled between Love, Loss being lied to, abused and used until they don’t need me anymore! my Faith varies on the type of test I am getting I see the light from one situation and well my Faith goes up and I say “there he is,he heard my prayer and is answering it, I am going to be ok ” to then to be jolted down with something else in my way preventing me to have Peace and live not struggle.

One of my very good friends since jr. high and my soul sister just recently told me she loves seeing me having a great person to share my life with finally, a really good man , a genuine man I obviously agree he was a big Piece of my Peace I received during one of the hardest times in my adult life recently( I will get to that later after all it is the main reason I started this blog) But she worries I am still in Battle mode,that I am always in Battle mode and I may never let myself enjoy this life and these moments I am on guard too much waiting for an attack. I agree I am a work in progress I am getting better day by day, I do struggle some days keeping my Faith up but I am holding my self accountable and doing the work because this man in my life (the one I want to continue to do life with for the rest of my life!)does not deserve the battle part of me unless it is to protect him not use it against him, with that being said I will continue to work and only battle to stay up and not keep me down. I thank everyone who is still in my life that has seen me and all of my struggle and gave me some peace during my storms. thank you for reading someone’s lonely blog, I try to tell the main parts because it can be daunting reading 42 years of life. I hope that ones that can relate don’t feel alone after reading and then I hope alot of you that don’t relate feel a little more grateful for the fact you do not know what this was like, but that no one Judge just understand and have a bit of empathy not sympathy just be more understanding of someone going through a period of being lost.

XOXO Renee ,

Have a beautiful and blessed day!